Nightmare Lamp – has its uses!
This hideous thing sat on my grandfather’s nightstand for years and just look at it. The bright red roof of his mouth and no teeth, the stupefying blue and unpainted white of his eyes, his feet seemingly left to be half claws by his dark creator.
Ugly in the light and terrifying in the dark. In addition to providing light, it is useful to place in rooms you’d rather kids not snoop around in.
Its disturbing visage is off putting to children especially if you tell them there’s an evil spirit trapped in there and he’s not eating apples, but the hearts of all the bad children he finds.
Anyway, free to a good home, you pick up.
Original Facebook Marketplace Nightmare Lamp Post
Author’s Notes
Made this post trying to have a little fun cleaning out the garage.
It was my grandfather’s lamp, and it did sit on his bedside table. It was even paired with a cherry picker girl lamp at one point (even more cursed, smashed to pieces).
I knew looking at the Facebook marketplace stats that this post was going to be much bigger than I intended.
I was shocked by the number of people who read this and genuinely convinced themselves they wanted this lamp.
Best Inquiries
Here’s a few of the best interactions I had from this post, first up:
Owen didn’t send SWAT. He did still want the lamp.
Love at the first hideous site. It did work as a lamp.
Bunny, no matter what people say, don’t ever change.
Maryanne, it’s sweet you talk about picking up a lamp like it’s a drug deal.
That unprompted sign-off did feel a bit ominous though.
Really tempting the evil spirits by offering the nightmare lamp a place of prominence.
The cooler you make it the more powerful it grows.
Being cursed is not worth the drive, no.
Elisha earns the title of making the first monetary offer for the explicitly cursed nightmare lamp.
Deb, you’re too sweet to bring this cursed lamp into your home.
Correct, you do not want it.
I feel I have been very clear that there is nothing to love about this cursed nightmare lamp.
Sabrina, you were right to marry him and he was right to stop you from getting this cursed lamp.
Jennifer is right and she should say it.
You didn’t get the lamp, but you brought the right energy.
I can keep the cursed nightmare lamp longer? I don’t think so Noreene.
Who says all Kyle’s are bad? This Kyle took the title for highest monetary offer for the cursed Nightmare lamp. Did not get it though because you can’t let Kyle’s get too powerful.
Melissa gets it. Nobody should want this lamp.
You are in the middle of moving and looking at free cursed stuff to pick up on Facebook marketplace.
Respectfully, get it together.
You should not kinda dig it, it is a cursed nightmare lamp.
My primate friend, pray you never find out.
Good bit, fair play.
You’re right to not want it.
Orifice, orifiace I appreciate where your head is at Zachary.
I release you from the chokehold this cursed nightmare lamp has taken on your consciousness.
Mick, my brother in Christ it is 7:17 AM.
Plead, or please, both work.
Yes.
Spending your weekend picking up a cursed nightmare lamp, the dream.
Okay, but the cursed nightmare lamp still needs to go.
A curse is like gravity my green friend, works whether you believe it or not.
Going out of your way to pick up curses other people left behind. Stop it, seek counsel.
Final Notes
- This lamp survived two yard sales without an offer or second look.
- A significant number of people on Facebook Marketplace will message you for anything you list for free. Not sure if they believe that they can flip free FB marketplace stuff for profit, but I think they’re just hoarders.
- The person who is now cursed with the nightmare lamp was the first to message me and follow through on our pick-up communication.
- If you thought this was funny make sure to check out my recent popular fable about my wayard uncle from the We Pretend It’s the Bronze Age Internet Group.
Word Slurpee 